Happily Ever After?

From the pages of my journal...(edited)

January 11, 1992

Three weeks ago today I became Mrs. Jonathan  (middle)  (last).
....I've waited for this for so long....
My prayer is that Jon and I will continually challenge one another and spur one another on...Lord, use us for your glory.  Right here where we are---make us lights for You.  Help us to be a Christian testimony to our neighbors.  We love you, Jesus.  Keep us best friends, striving to grow closer to You and each other.  I love and respect Jon so much, Lord.  Thank You for his love and friendship.  Thanks for such a godly and committed husband.  I am so, so blessed.

Just 9 months later...from the same journal....

October 23, 1992

Why is marriage so difficult at times?  Why are there times when we're both so selfish that all we hear are our own words?  Lord, marriage is so much more of a challenge that I ever dreamed it could be....
Heavenly Father, I love Jon so much.  I know that I am in no way blameless for our arguments.  Help me to love as You love and to put my pride and selfishness aside.  I know that each day I must re-commit myself to the vows I made only 10 months ago...

Stumbling upon my "first year of marriage" journal this week, I couldn't help but smile (and wince) as I remembered.  The truth is, I wrote in that journal only 6 times in that first year.  It covers the elation and excitement of finally being Jon's wife...the loneliness in living far away from family...our eventual move to our first youth pastorate...and finally, heartache and exasperation after only 10 months of marriage.

He wasn't meeting my expectations.  And I know I wasn't meeting his. 

This wasn't quite what I'd bargained for.  Where was my "happily ever after?"

The truth is, nobody told me how hard the first two years of marriage really are.  Or maybe they did, but I was too blissfully in love to hear or believe.  So when conflict and tension set in, my feet were knocked out from under me.  My husband hadn't changed in those early months of marriage.  He was the same guy I fell in love with.  What had changed was me:  the way I responded to him.  What I found cute and endearing when we were dating now irritated me.  I wanted to call the shots.  I grew bitter and resentful of his other time commitments.  Rather than looking for ways to love him, it was all about me:  what he was or wasn't doing for ME.  And rather than looking at my own sin and shortcomings, I was all about his. 

Thankfully, though that desperate entry was the last of that journal, it was not the end of the story.  For it was God writing our story, not me.  And He was taking a young, immature love and weaving His truth and grace throughout.  It would be a painful process as He continued to show us and teach us what His amazing creation of marriage is all about. 

Nineteen years later, I can say to engaged couples and newlyweds with absolute certainty and conviction...it just keeps getting better and better.  There are growing pains along the way as we learn to die to ourselves...to forgive...to communicate...to give.  And no matter how long we've been married, we continually must give ourselves over to loving as Christ does, 'cause the truth is, we're dirty rotten sinners who naturally cry out for our own wants and desires.  But embracing God's plan for marriage and learning to do it His way brings joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction untold. 

I'll be sharing some of the things He taught/is teaching me about His plan for marriage in the coming days---not as one who has all the answers and is doing everything perfectly right---but as one who has asked, "Is this it?  Is this all there is?"  And as one who learned that God's grace is there at every turn, giving us exactly what we need to love as He designed.