on the morn he leaves home...

The rest of my house still lays quiet.
The sun is not yet up.
I, myself, had planned to sleep in a bit today.
But God woke me earlier than planned.
And as I lay in the dark on the morn that we take our second-born son to college, my heart flooded with a thousand moments and memories.
My mind went back to when he sucked on his fingers backwards and lived in his cowboy boots, hat, and bandana;
when he was enamored with Toy Story Woody and playing a guitar and animals of every kind.

But then this happened.
Little by little,
one step after another,
he grew up.
In wisdom.
In stature.
And in favor with God and man.

This bold, brave son
with steadiness and loyalty of heart.
He's solid and consistent and rich in character.
And most of all, his heart's desire is to know and love Jesus more and more.

The memories gave way to prayer this early morning.
As the tears slipped down my cheeks,
I found myself just crying out to God in thanks:
thanks for the unspeakable joy and privilege of being Ry's mom.
As I told Jon last night, I can't imagine this house without him.
He brings us so much joy and delight.
But though my heart aches so deeply,
there's excitement in sharing this remarkable young man with the world,
knowing that God goes before Him and hems him in before and behind;
knowing that He's been preparing him to lead and serve and take initiative and do hard things;
knowing that Ryan's amazing life is going to be used to shine a light on the gospel and make much of Jesus.

Ryan, we love you with all our hearts.
God is the strength of our hearts and our portion forever.

Father God, may Ryan "love what is good, be self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined.  May he hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it." (from Titus 1:8-9)

{luke is 16}

This son of my heart.
He's 16 today.
Sixteen.
That's a big milestone in the life of any teenager.
And as I've learned, it's also a big milestone in the life of that teenager's mama.
For while every birthday is treasured and precious,
sixteen is different somehow.
It's a becoming;
the knowledge that one's "baby" will soon be driving around with her heart while the rest of her remains home in constant prayer till he returns home safely.
It's the knowledge (at least in our case), that the high school journey is halfway over.
It's willing the next two years to go by as slowly as possible.
The truth is, our baby has older brothers.
I know how quickly it goes.
And that's why even now as tears sting my eyes,
I just keep whispering, "Thank You, God.  Thank you for the absolutely privilege and pleasure of getting to be this guy's mom.  Help me to invest these days wisely."

Luke's life is constantly teaching me, sometimes without a word.
I'm constantly learning from him.

He teaches me to serve without complaint.
He gives and pours himself out in service and love.
Repeatedly.
He's such a good example for his selfish mama.

He teaches me not to take myself too seriously and to laugh...a lot.
He's confident and comfortable and dances like nobody's watching (even when they are).
Oh, I want to be more like him!

While he's incredibly fun,
he also thinks and ponders deeply.
His faith in Jesus is alive and real and his.

Luke brings people together.
All ages, all stages, all backgrounds.
Frankly, I've never seen anything like it.
He's gifted, I tell ya.

He spreads joy and encouragement wherever he goes.
That's how I want to be known.
People are drawn to him because of the way that he loves.
He loves so, so well.

That's just part of why this day is such a celebration.
And really, that's why I ought to celebrate everyday even better than I do.
For the holy Creator of the universe put together this amazing, indescribable package.
And He gave him to me.
For a time.
And my life is so much fuller,
so much sweeter,
so much richer,
so much better.
And so is the world.
For God is using this man-child to reflect Him; to make much of Him in the ways He serves and gives and loves.
And I am forever grateful to have a front-row seat to watching it all unfold.

Happy 16th Birthday, Luke!  We crazy love you!  xoxo

Round 2

We're hurtling toward graduation season at break neck speed.  

And this year, once again, is more than significant,

as we have our very own graduate beneath our roof.

People tell me I'm experienced.

I've been down this road before.

It's true.

This time is I do have experience under my belt.

I have wisdom and age on my side (hah).  

I know what it's like to release.

But my heart's longing over these months is that Ryan knows that, no matter how much "experience" we might have, his leaving us is no less significant or heart-wrenching for his mom.

Sometimes I wish I could be like those parents who are nothing but enthusiastic and excited as their child graduates and leaves the nest.  

"This is what we raise them to do," I'm told.

And that's true. 

But for this mama, the joy of loving, raising, and nurturing each of these young men has been inexpressible. 

Oh, I've done other things.

But nothing has mattered as much.

Getting to be part of what God has done in shaping these young men is the great joy of my life.  

So I gladly anticipate all the ways He will use them to have high impact for Him around this globe. 

But selfishly, I miss their proximity; the playful banter we share; the life, fun, and excitement they bring to our home.  

As I've shared before, I'm still learning that each day is a giving up and surrendering them to the Lord.

As for these next two months, milestones and "lasts" will soon be occurring in rapid-fire succession.  

Of course, it will all culminate with that long-anticipated (at least for me) graduation party!  

Ryan has already been honored and recognized at a banquet where he received a presidential scholarship.  

His diligence and responsibility throughout his senior year have encouraged his dad and me so deeply.

We are excited to see how God will continue to open doors and lead over these final two months of his high school career.  

And even though I'm so-called "experienced," the depth and significance of these days is not lost.  

With a heart overflowing with so much love, I'm smiling through tears and thanking God for the extreme pleasure of being forever changed by a boy named Ryan.  

{no longer a teenager}

With every conversation, I'm reminded:
he's no longer a kid.
Not because he insists upon it.
Not because he makes a big deal of it.
But because each Sunday evening when our family of 5 gathers around our iPhones for FaceTime,
I see him.  I hear him.  And I marvel at him.

I see his eyes light up when he talks about playing on the worship team at his church or tutoring the kids in the projects.
I hear the passion in his voice as he talks about his life group and discipleship and sharing life together.

Walking across campus with him when we go to visit,
I note the obvious relationships he's built with the guys;
the mutual admiration and respect between them.
Sitting over steaming mugs in a coffeehouse,
I hear his dreams and plans and prayers.
I hear the things he's learning about God and the ways he's growing and the way things are clicking...and my heart spills over in joyful thanks.

For this man before me,
well, he grew beneath my heart, you know.
I was there when he took his first steps and when he began to run.
I sat beside him in the parking lot as he took his first drive.
And I was even there a year ago as he sat on the edge of our little nest,
preparing for lift-off.
Everything in me wanted to hold on;
to cling to him and never let go.

Today, his 20th birthday, has been bittersweet.
It's such utter joy to celebrate this son of my heart,
and yet my heart feels constricted on this first birthday I spend apart from him.
I was there for every one of his first 19 birthdays,
and on this 20th one,  I'm celebrating from afar.
It was bound to come.
And it's good.
For as I watched him totter on the edge of our nest just over a year ago.
today I watch him soar.

No longer a kid.
No longer a teenager.
A man who has my respect and admiration and love and heart.
I rejoice in the man God is making him.
And forever I'll remain so thankful I get to be his mama.

Happy 20th Birthday, Drew.
We love you with all our hearts.  xoxo

{18} boy-turned-man

I've learned that the 18th birthday is a bit sobering and heart-squeezing for me,
as I'm painfully aware that it marks each son's last birthday at home.
Oh, perhaps there will be more.
But it's their last "for sure" birthday at home.

And yet, there's this crazy amount of celebration welling up in my heart.
This milestone birthday is big.
My tendency is to go overboard---to make it count, to do it up right.
While each son always gets to request favorite foods for his birthday menu,
this year found me making a list in advance of all of Ryan's favorites,
determined to make them all this week:
baked apple donuts,
cinnamon rolls,
apple dumplings,
pumpkin bars,
chicken noodle soup...
you get the idea.

Preparing for Ryan?  All joy.

For Ryan contentedly and unassumingly lives life.
He's never had a laundry list of wants and expectations.
He simply and gratefully receives each gift as it comes---
as grace.
Man, do I learn through this son of my heart.

We're in his senior year.
I say "we," because that's truly what it is.
A child's final year of high school affects the entire family.
It's milestones, victories, and lasts,
one right after another.
His very last first day of school?
It touched deep.
Perhaps he didn't even think of it.
But I've been tracking with each and every beautiful moment,
breathing it in and feeling it to my very core.

Sometimes in the morning,
as I insist on kissing him on the cheek before he heads out the door,
I can hear his unspoken objections (though he speaks not a word).
Sons in this household have learned to have forbearance toward this often overly sentimental mom.  ;)
But it's more than just a send-off,
for as I watch him head out,
I see the strength and stature of a man.
I respect his heart and loyalty and character.
I marvel at the ways God is growing him and expanding his heart and mind.
This son, this image-bearer of the One who made him.
So much grace.

Adventures loom and abound.
He's already told me he and the guys have this crazy plan to do some kind of extreme-sport adventure next spring.
I'm bracing myself.
And, behind my cupped hand, smiling.
For as the only woman in this houseful of guys,
I've not often understood this whole guy thing.
I've been a slow learner.
But I am learning.
And as I see our differences,
I'm marveling at them as never before.
God created these boys of mine to become men---
men who do hard things.
By His grace, they're becoming initiative-taking providers, protectors, nourishers, cherishers, feeders, leaders, and yes---risk takers.
You know, just the way God intended.  ;)

On his 18th birthday,
I celebrate my little boy grown man.
I rejoice in his unique personality, giftings, and talents.
And I watch with joyful expectancy to see how God will employ all these things to make much of Him.
May his heart be captivated and captured by Him alone.

Happy Birthday, our precious Ry.
You have my heart.  
I love, love, love you,
and couldn't be any more proud of the man you are.  xoxo

Growing Up at the Pumpkin Farm ~ 2014 edition

I update this post year by year as a chronicle of our family's growth and God's grace.   This was our 17th annual visit to the pumpkin farm.  These pics serve as a flip book of sorts.  Thumbed rapidly, our boys grow up before our very eyes.

More and more I've come to believe it and know it:
Changing times, changeless God.

***

Autumn bliss is steeped in memories and traditions. This is the pumpkin farm where our boys grew up. This is the pumpkin farm we'll visit this weekend and remember the little guys who once excitedly fed the goats; the guys who eagerly pulled around little red wagons filled with a few mini pumpkins and gourds. Now these guys are not so little. Our visit isn't so much about the animals. Or the pumpkins. Or even the corn maze. It's about nostalgia. Security. Creating new memories. It's about looking back and seeing how God has been faithful through these years. And it's about giving thanks for all that He's doing in the here and now.

1998 ~ This was the day we announced that we were expecting again!

1999 ~ Our first visit as a family of five!

2000

2001 ~ This was only one month after 9/11. I welcomed the feelings of "normalcy" created by this visit.

2002

2003

2004 ~ Notice the cowboy theme that endured all these years?  :)

2005 ~ This was only days before my husband and I left for Papua New Guinea. I was filled with a lot of conflicting emotions.

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011 ~ This is my idea of autumn bliss :)

2012 ~ While our son couldn't be there, we had the joy of being able to introduce our exchange student to the pumpkin farm.  [freezing cold, changing times, still safely in God's grip]

2013 ~ Things are different, God is still good. [slipped and laughed our way through the mud in the corn maze]

2014 ~ Ryan's last year of high school. Seeking to embrace and invest each moment, ordinary and extraordinary alike.  All is grace.

"I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,of your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is past my knowledge. With the mighty deeds of the Lord God I will come; I will remind them of Your righteousness, Yours alone. O God, from my youth You have taught me,and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds. So even to old age and gray hairs,O God, do not forsake me,until I proclaim your might to another generation, Your power to all those who come. Your righteousness, O God, reaches the high heavens. You who have done great things,O God, who is like You?"  Psalm 71:14-19

{15 and 1 month}

One month ago today, our Lukie turned 15.
A friend called me out on that not too long ago,
indicating that a man of Luke's age surely doesn't appreciate being called, "Lukie."
So I asked him.
And perhaps he was being polite.
And certainly he was being forbearing.
But whatever the case,
he made it clear that he was just fine with his mom still calling him Lukie.
And so I'm grateful, but at the same time, trying to wean myself from the name that's come so readily and easily for 15 years.

He's my baby, you know.
And yet, he's not.
For before my very eyes, this son of my heart has grown into a man this year.
He transitioned from home school to private high school.
Any doubts or questions I had about this transition were quickly put to rest.
For he flew.
High.
Mid-way through the year,
he told me his goal for the year was to be friendly to everyone in his school,
regardless of whether or not they were like him.
And he met that goal.
Whether serving on student council (as the new kid), acting in both school plays, or simply being his upbeat, happy self, he won the love and respect of everyone from the freshmen to the seniors---not to mention the teachers.
He has a unique way of connecting with people of all ages,
and it's evident that God continues to use his big heart, bright personality, and love for people to impact the world for Him.

This man-child has my heart.
I'm so glad I get to be his mom
and delight in the good work God is doing in and through him.

Happy {belated} 15th Birthday, Luke!
We love you like crazy.

{lately}

My poor neglected blog.

Yes, life has been filled with more change that I can count this year.
And yes, part of that change is a part-time job which leaves me with less time at home.
And the time I do have at home seems to be catching up on what I missed when I was gone.
And thus is the vicious cycle.
It's all good, mind you.
But I do miss this.
The quiet.
The personal space.
The processing.

Our firstborn has completed his first year of college.
Crazy.
He's working a gazillion hours a week this summer doing hard manual labor.
I'm so proud of that man-son of ours.
And then there's son #2, quickly catapulting into his senior year of high school.
Tomorrow night he's having his senior pictures taken.
He, too, is working hard and causing me to marvel at God's grace and goodness.
Son #3 turns 15 in just a few days.
He's grown and matured by leaps and bounds this year.
He's inherited his dad's deep love for people.
I love how he loves.

Anyhow, that's just a little update on life in these here parts.

In other news, we're entering wedding season again.
So far this year, we've got 8 weddings on the docket.
Man, it's such a joy and honor to get to do life with all these young couples, and in many cases, to have had the privilege of watching them grow up.

Not too long ago, a couple friends of mine asked me to share the tables I did for some wedding receptions last summer.  Pinterest is full of ideas, but the first series of pics is my take on a candy bar.  The wedding colors were royal blue and purple.  And the groom had called his bride "Sweetums" all through their dating days, so I decided to use that as the name for the table full of sweets.

The following week, I was asked to do an ice cream sundae bar at a wedding reception.  The pictures don't do it justice, as during the actual wedding reception, the lights were low and there was a soft, warm candlelight throughout the whole room.  Nonetheless, I had so much fun working with a shabby chic theme.

Homemade sauces went in these milk bottles

We served a vast array of ice cream toppings:  candies and nuts and cookies and sprinkles galore (without plastic wrap)!

I'm lovin' all the fun, casual wedding reception ideas out there these days.  What have been some of your favorite takes and themes?

breathing it all in

Baby #2 was recently off to his first job interview

I watched him from the front door, striding confidently toward our waiting van.  He smiled awkwardly when he glanced back at the house and realized I was still watching him.

"It's what a mom does, young one."  Breathing in the little and the big, taking snapshots with her heart that she'll tuck away forever.

He drove away, little knowing that he drove away with a piece of my heart.

And over the next year and a half, there will be a million and two more of these moments:  each one welcomed, each one embraced, each one treasured.  Each one uniquely his.  For though we've been down this road before, the so-called "experience" doesn't make my heart any less tender.  The college letters, tours, and talk of future plans are custom-Ryan---a celebration of God's unique design in him.  While I recognize and rejoice in his crazy proficiency for math and science (something he most certainly did NOT get from me) and a possible future in the medical field, I'm most pleased and humbled by what I see behind closed doors:  a boy stretched out upon his bed with his Bible or C.S. Lewis; a heart that desires to know and follow after the One who redeemed him.

Ryan and Luke before the Christmas banquet a few months ago

So, yeah, Ry.  You'll often glance back to see me watching over this next year and half.  I'm not doing it to make you feel awkward.  I'm just breathing in the moments and thanking God for the indescribable privilege of getting to be your mom.

Oh, and in case you were wondering...he got the job.  :)

"My son, if you receive my words
and treasure up my commandments with you,
making your ear attentive to wisdom
and inclining your heart to understanding;
yes, if you call out for insight
and raise your voice for understanding,
if you seek it like silver
and search for it as hidden treasures,
then you will understand the fear of the Lord
and find the knowledge of God."
Proverbs 2:1-5