This son of my heart.
He's 16 today.
Sixteen.
That's a big milestone in the life of any teenager.
And as I've learned, it's also a big milestone in the life of that teenager's mama.
For while every birthday is treasured and precious,
sixteen is different somehow.
It's a becoming;
the knowledge that one's "baby" will soon be driving around with her heart while the rest of her remains home in constant prayer till he returns home safely.
It's the knowledge (at least in our case), that the high school journey is halfway over.
It's willing the next two years to go by as slowly as possible.
The truth is, our baby has older brothers.
I know how quickly it goes.
And that's why even now as tears sting my eyes,
I just keep whispering, "Thank You, God. Thank you for the absolutely privilege and pleasure of getting to be this guy's mom. Help me to invest these days wisely."
Luke's life is constantly teaching me, sometimes without a word.
I'm constantly learning from him.
He teaches me to serve without complaint.
He gives and pours himself out in service and love.
Repeatedly.
He's such a good example for his selfish mama.
He teaches me not to take myself too seriously and to laugh...a lot.
He's confident and comfortable and dances like nobody's watching (even when they are).
Oh, I want to be more like him!
While he's incredibly fun,
he also thinks and ponders deeply.
His faith in Jesus is alive and real and his.
Luke brings people together.
All ages, all stages, all backgrounds.
Frankly, I've never seen anything like it.
He's gifted, I tell ya.
He spreads joy and encouragement wherever he goes.
That's how I want to be known.
People are drawn to him because of the way that he loves.
He loves so, so well.
That's just part of why this day is such a celebration.
And really, that's why I ought to celebrate everyday even better than I do.
For the holy Creator of the universe put together this amazing, indescribable package.
And He gave him to me.
For a time.
And my life is so much fuller,
so much sweeter,
so much richer,
so much better.
And so is the world.
For God is using this man-child to reflect Him; to make much of Him in the ways He serves and gives and loves.
And I am forever grateful to have a front-row seat to watching it all unfold.
Happy 16th Birthday, Luke! We crazy love you! xoxo
After all these years, I still marvel at the fact that *I get to* live up close to this remarkable man. I see firsthand the love poured out, the time invested, the relationships nurtured, the sacrifices made, the selflessness displayed. He loves *BIG* and makes each person he interacts with feel seen and known. So incredibly happy to lead the charge in celebrating him today. I'll always be his biggest fan and cheerleader! Happy Birthday with so much love, my love!
With every conversation, I'm reminded:
he's no longer a kid.
Not because he insists upon it.
Not because he makes a big deal of it.
But because each Sunday evening when our family of 5 gathers around our iPhones for FaceTime,
I see him. I hear him. And I marvel at him.
I see his eyes light up when he talks about playing on the worship team at his church or tutoring the kids in the projects.
I hear the passion in his voice as he talks about his life group and discipleship and sharing life together.
Walking across campus with him when we go to visit,
I note the obvious relationships he's built with the guys;
the mutual admiration and respect between them.
Sitting over steaming mugs in a coffeehouse,
I hear his dreams and plans and prayers.
I hear the things he's learning about God and the ways he's growing and the way things are clicking...and my heart spills over in joyful thanks.
For this man before me,
well, he grew beneath my heart, you know.
I was there when he took his first steps and when he began to run.
I sat beside him in the parking lot as he took his first drive.
And I was even there a year ago as he sat on the edge of our little nest,
preparing for lift-off.
Everything in me wanted to hold on;
to cling to him and never let go.
Today, his 20th birthday, has been bittersweet.
It's such utter joy to celebrate this son of my heart,
and yet my heart feels constricted on this first birthday I spend apart from him.
I was there for every one of his first 19 birthdays,
and on this 20th one, I'm celebrating from afar.
It was bound to come.
And it's good.
For as I watched him totter on the edge of our nest just over a year ago.
today I watch him soar.
No longer a kid.
No longer a teenager.
A man who has my respect and admiration and love and heart.
I rejoice in the man God is making him.
And forever I'll remain so thankful I get to be his mama.
Happy 20th Birthday, Drew. We love you with all our hearts. xoxo
I've learned that the 18th birthday is a bit sobering and heart-squeezing for me,
as I'm painfully aware that it marks each son's last birthday at home.
Oh, perhaps there will be more.
But it's their last "for sure" birthday at home.
And yet, there's this crazy amount of celebration welling up in my heart.
This milestone birthday is big.
My tendency is to go overboard---to make it count, to do it up right.
While each son always gets to request favorite foods for his birthday menu,
this year found me making a list in advance of all of Ryan's favorites,
determined to make them all this week:
baked apple donuts,
cinnamon rolls,
apple dumplings,
pumpkin bars,
chicken noodle soup...
you get the idea.
Preparing for Ryan? All joy.
For Ryan contentedly and unassumingly lives life.
He's never had a laundry list of wants and expectations.
He simply and gratefully receives each gift as it comes---
as grace.
Man, do I learn through this son of my heart.
We're in his senior year.
I say "we," because that's truly what it is.
A child's final year of high school affects the entire family.
It's milestones, victories, and lasts,
one right after another.
His very last first day of school?
It touched deep.
Perhaps he didn't even think of it.
But I've been tracking with each and every beautiful moment,
breathing it in and feeling it to my very core.
Sometimes in the morning,
as I insist on kissing him on the cheek before he heads out the door,
I can hear his unspoken objections (though he speaks not a word).
Sons in this household have learned to have forbearance toward this often overly sentimental mom. ;)
But it's more than just a send-off,
for as I watch him head out,
I see the strength and stature of a man.
I respect his heart and loyalty and character.
I marvel at the ways God is growing him and expanding his heart and mind.
This son, this image-bearer of the One who made him.
So much grace.
Adventures loom and abound.
He's already told me he and the guys have this crazy plan to do some kind of extreme-sport adventure next spring.
I'm bracing myself.
And, behind my cupped hand, smiling.
For as the only woman in this houseful of guys,
I've not often understood this whole guy thing.
I've been a slow learner.
But I am learning.
And as I see our differences,
I'm marveling at them as never before.
God created these boys of mine to become men---
men who do hard things.
By His grace, they're becoming initiative-taking providers, protectors, nourishers, cherishers, feeders, leaders, and yes---risk takers.
You know, just the way God intended. ;)
On his 18th birthday,
I celebrate my little boy grown man.
I rejoice in his unique personality, giftings, and talents.
And I watch with joyful expectancy to see how God will employ all these things to make much of Him.
May his heart be captivated and captured by Him alone.
Happy Birthday, our precious Ry. You have my heart. I love, love, love you, and couldn't be any more proud of the man you are. xoxo
One month ago today, our Lukie turned 15.
A friend called me out on that not too long ago,
indicating that a man of Luke's age surely doesn't appreciate being called, "Lukie."
So I asked him.
And perhaps he was being polite.
And certainly he was being forbearing.
But whatever the case,
he made it clear that he was just fine with his mom still calling him Lukie.
And so I'm grateful, but at the same time, trying to wean myself from the name that's come so readily and easily for 15 years.
He's my baby, you know.
And yet, he's not.
For before my very eyes, this son of my heart has grown into a man this year.
He transitioned from home school to private high school.
Any doubts or questions I had about this transition were quickly put to rest.
For he flew.
High.
Mid-way through the year,
he told me his goal for the year was to be friendly to everyone in his school,
regardless of whether or not they were like him.
And he met that goal.
Whether serving on student council (as the new kid), acting in both school plays, or simply being his upbeat, happy self, he won the love and respect of everyone from the freshmen to the seniors---not to mention the teachers.
He has a unique way of connecting with people of all ages,
and it's evident that God continues to use his big heart, bright personality, and love for people to impact the world for Him.
This man-child has my heart.
I'm so glad I get to be his mom
and delight in the good work God is doing in and through him.
Happy {belated} 15th Birthday, Luke!
We love you like crazy.
growing up with Jon has been (and is) my favorite.
We are, after all, still growing, still learning, still changing.
When spring breaks and his birthday rolls 'round each March,
it's an all-out celebration.
For I have the indescribable joy of loving and being loved by this remarkable man.
To everyone else, he's this electric personality.
He's warm and inviting.
He's sincere and thoughtful.
He's passionate and funny.
He asks questions, not to make small talk,
but because he cares to know the answer.
Can I let you in on a little secret?
This isn't just the "out there" Jon.
As his wife, I have the privilege of living with him up close and personal-like.
And what he is out there,
he is in our home.
And what he is in our home,
he is out there.
He's the real deal, folks.
He's a man who steadily takes one step after another on the heels of Jesus.
He models joy and satisfaction in his relationship with his Father, showing the rest of us that it's not just for show.
It's real and compelling and satisfying.
I see God changing him and rearranging him;
making him over and conforming his heart to His.
every. single. day.
And that's why I celebrate.
I rejoice and thank God for this incredible gift,
not just on his birthday,
but everyday.
For he loves me and leads me so stinkin' good!
He shows our boys what it means for a man to love his bride as Christ loves His Church.
And I'm exceedingly grateful for the example that they---and all of us---have in him.
Happy, Happy Birthday, Jonny! I love you with all my heart!
Nineteen.
Nineteen years ago tonight,
I caressed his downy newborn cheek
as he lay nestled in my arms.
It all came flooding back this morning as I went into his room to wake him for church.
Much to my delight, our firstborn---our college student---had returned home for his birthday weekend.
And as he still lay in his groggy stupor,
I sat on the edge of his bed and
noted the whiskers that now cover that once baby-soft skin
(the result of no-shave November).
Such a contrast.
This man before me.
No longer a child.
Drew is a man who, in the past 2 1/2 months, has grown and matured more than I'd ever dreamed;
a man who uses a debit card and applied for (and got) a job in the big city;
a man who's grown proficient at using public transit.
He's a man who serves weekly at the nursing home,
engaging and listening to the stories of old.
He's a man who wisely surrounds himself with solid friends who are spurring him on to love Jesus;
who regularly texts and consults his dad about theology.
He's a man who has shown himself able and capable,
yet remains grounded.
In the midst of newfound independence and geographic distance, he still takes eager delight in connecting with his family via Facetime each Sunday night.
Grateful.
There's really no other way to describe it.
For as he's flown from our nest,
I'm seeing firsthand that God is faithfully,
beautifully, and consistently continuing the work He began in him.
So many times, I had it wrong.
I tried to give him more "mom,"
when what he really needs is Jesus.
I'm watching our son embrace and apply Truth to life.
And I'm beginning to discover new joys in one's relationship with an adult child.
I still tear up when he leaves (like in the parking lot of Texas Roadhouse today),
but I am grateful that the little boy I had the pleasure of training and shepherding and discipling to know Jesus is now choosing Him for his own.
There's no greater joy.
Happy 19th Birthday, Drew! We love you like crazy.
He's steady.
Consistent.
He's not up and down and all around.
Day by day, he keeps plugging along.
One step of obedience at a time.
His work ethic is second to none.
He's disciplined.
He's currently training for a 700-mile bike trip next summer.
When the rest of us are sleeping in on Saturday mornings,
his alarm goes off at a ridiculously early hour.
He's out on the road training and back again before I'm even out of my pajamas.
He's bold and brave.
Lack of experience doesn't deter him.
He's willing to try new things.
Take, for instance, football.
Despite the fact he'd never played before,
he was determined to give it a try for the first time this year.
As a junior.
Sure, he knew he likely wouldn't get much playing time,
but he wanted to be part of the team.
And so he's gone day after day,
week after week,
for months.
Long, hard practices.
Minimal playing time.
But he's leading his team with character and consistency.
And as this mom's heart cheers from the bleachers,
it's about so much more than the game.
It's glad thanksgiving for the work God is doing in this son of my heart.
He continues to step up in so many ways,
whether it be here at home (as he was thrust into the position of "oldest" brother when our firstborn left for college) or in youth group.
As I hear him share his heart and give testimony to what God is teaching him,
I marvel that he's so insightful and tender.
I rejoice that his heart is to know, love, and follow hard after Christ.
Today we celebrate his 17th birthday.
My heart can't contain all the joy and gratitude I feel---
the sweet memories of yesterday, the exciting new experiences of today, the dreams and hopes for the future.
By God's grace, I've been the one to get an up-close seat to it all;
to watch as He's faithfully carried, molded, and shaped our son.
And on this birthday, I celebrate not only our precious son,
but the One who is actively at work in him to radiantly reflect Him.
Happy 17th Birthday, son of my heart.
We crazy-love you. xoxo
So the whirlwind that has been this past month has finally subsided (at least for the time being). In the midst of the almost constant graduation milestones and events, our youngest son celebrated his 14th birthday. This son is the one for whom birthdays are very important, and I deeply struggled with guilt over the fact that his birthday fell amidst such hectic and crazy days. I desperately longed for him to feel celebrated rather than overlooked or simply "squeezed in." So while our celebration took a simpler form this year, the heart, nostalgia, sentiment, and thankfulness were not at all lacking.
I'm convinced that a mom never stops viewing her lastborn child as "her baby." For while his voice has deepened, he's soared past me in height, and he's about to embark upon his high school career, I so often see him as the bright-eyed baby snuggling into his blankie on my lap while sucking his lower lip. Yet even as we continue moving forward, I rejoice in the way God has wired him and knit him together. My boy grown man. In many ways, he's so very much like his dad. He's not worried about what people think of him. It's a welcome balance to my tendency to overthink and analyze people's responses. He knows who God has made him to be. I admire his absolute comfort in speaking before a crowd of people, his giftedness in connecting with all ages, and his knack for confidently entering in to new scenarios (as evidenced by his unrestrained "joy" on the dance floor at a recent wedding). His fun-loving approach to life encourages and inspires me. For him, life is simply about people and connecting. He's happiest when surrounded by the people he loves.
He makes me laugh. Hard. Many times I've thought to myself, "What am I gonna do without this kid around to keep me laughing this fall?" As it's been just him and me for school the last two years, he's become sweetly in-tune to my heart. He's very sensitive to and aware of my heart needs. On more than one occasion, when sensing a particular situation might be tough for his mama's heart, he'll pat my back without pause or hesitation, gently questioning, "You ok?" Yup, he's gonna make a good husband someday.
Luke (far left) with his brothers and friends at a recent wedding. They all served as ushers.
When reflecting on our Luke's life, I can't help but think of Luke 2:40. He's growing in wisdom. And stature. And in favor with God and men. Nothing could bring more joy to a mom's heart. And as we marked this 14th birthday, my prayer for Luke and each one of our sons is that they wholeheartedly, unreservedly continue pursuing the One who has pursued them; that they'll find their every joy, every hope, and every satisfaction in Jesus Christ and desire above all else to make much of Him with the way they live and obey and follow after Him.
Happy 14th Birthday, Lucas Jon! We love you with all our hearts. xoxo
Twenty five years ago I gave a birthday card to my friend, Jon.
"Just as a friend," I thought.
Though secretly, I dreamed of more.
We'd been friends for a couple years,
and I looked up to him and admired him greatly.
He made me laugh like nobody.
He was a strong leader.
And he was serious about his walk with Jesus.
Two weeks later, we were dating.
Apparently, much to my delight, he'd felt the same way about me.
So I've had the pleasure of celebrating this man of mine for 25 years now.
And as I look back at him and us and our family,
I've seen this remarkable boy grow into a man.
I've watched the making of a strong, steady, consistent leader:
a man rich in character and integrity;
a man wise beyond his years;
a man who gives selflessly and without limit;
I see this man who puts in long hours seen by no one but God;
a man whose whole life is about making much of his Savior
and inspiring others to do the same.
He boldly sets the pace for our sons,
showing them what it means to be a godly man.
He shows what it means to love a woman and
how to mirror Christ in revealing his heart.
He teaches them how to extravagantly love people;
to humbly apologize when wrong and graciously forgive when wronged.
He follows hard on the heels of Jesus,
imitating Him so that they can imitate him (1 Corinthians 11:1).
This unflappable man gives me an endless supply of perspective and balance.
He sacrificially gives his life for me,
echoing the way Christ gave His life for His Bride.
Where I'd be prone to live my life by emotion,
he gently speaks Truth into my life and directs my eyes back to Jesus.
He ardently loves and rabidly protects me.
Asked if he loves me?
I'd shout it from the rooftop,
wholeheartedly, unashamedly, without question, "Yes!"
He shows me everyday,
and I never doubt his undying covenant to me.
So it's easy to see why celebrating the day of his birth is such a much-anticipated holiday around here.
For in Jon---my husband and our boys' dad---God has given us our best earthly gift.
It's with great joy that we honor and celebrate him today---
and cry out joyful exclamations of thanks to God for His amazing, one-of-a-kind creation.
Our lives are forever changed.
It was a somewhat routine day, yet filled with so much promise and hope. Jon and I went to my weekly doctor appointment that morning. Our baby---our first baby---wasn't due for another week, and my doctor's words to me before parting his office that day were, "Go ahead and schedule next week's appointment. I'll see you then."
My husband and I went to lunch.
Life was good.
We excitedly spoke of our coming baby's arrival;
our dreams and hopes and plans.
And there, seated 'round a booth over gourmet sandwiches,
I experienced my first twinge of pain.
I believe it was 12:10pm.
My heart lurched.
Could it be?
Ten minutes later,
the same thing.
We went home,
systematically timing my contractions.
I vacuumed.
And packed.
I picked up my worn copy of "What To Expect When You're Expecting" for a little last minute cramming.
Jon and I looked at each other with alternating expressions of excitement and doubt and giddiness and fear.
Finally, when my contractions increased to every 4 minutes,
we agreed it was time to go to the hospital.
It was 6:30pm.
And from there on out,
it was game on.
Just two hours later, at 8:35pm,
our perfect little miracle entered our lives.
And I was forever changed.
How does one describe the love for this one so small;
this one covered in God's fingerprints?
Oh, it was love at first sight.
My baby...my son...my firstborn.
I was head over heels in love.
18 years later.
18 is such a culmination, it seems.
I didn't expect my heart to feel quite so tender.
As I've been working on this blog entry over the past week,
I've regularly had to stop and gather myself.
The tears have come readily and frequently.
I reflect on the pictures and the moments and the years.
One night this week, God unexpectedly provided quiet moments with my Drew.
While everyone else in the family was otherwise engaged,
the two of us sat together in the quiet.
I asked him if he wanted to watch his baby dvd.
He consented.
And I lived it all over again.
It was fresh and new and raw.
The newborn cry following delivery brought out my own tears.
Wasn't this just yesterday?
And yet here he stands before me:
this man...my firstborn;
the one who made me a mama.
I came to him inexperienced, a novice.
He broke me in and bravely paved the way for his younger brothers.
Over the years, I've gone to him again and again,
apologizing and asking forgiveness.
I've explained to him I've never done this mama thing before---that I don't always know what I'm doing;
that he and I are both so much in need of God's mercy.
He's at work in both of us.
This son of my heart:
we've always been close.
He's like me in so many ways.
I get him.
And though I doubt the fact sometimes,
the truth is, he gets me.
Really.
But as much as we're alike,
we're different, too.
For nothing, and I mean nothing,
rattles him.
He's cool and calm and collected.
He refuses to stress.
I recall his freshman year and the rumor of a school shooting.
When my heart was a jumbled mess of fear,
he calmly and steadily declared,
"Whatever is gonna happen is gonna happen. I'm ready."
Because his heart is firmly grounded and rooted in Jesus Christ, he exudes an inner peace and security no matter the circumstance.
He places his burdens on Christ and leaves them there.
As one who is prone to control and fear and do, his steadiness and consistency of heart overwhelm and inspire me.
It goes without saying that I love my Drew.
But not only do I love him, I really, really like him.
I respect him.
I marvel at him.
For he is my miracle in the flesh.
I've watched in awe these last 18 years as
God has taken that tiny baby I cradled in my arms---
that baby He entrusted to me for a moment in time.
He lovingly molded and shaped him.
He developed in him character and a hunger for truth.
He produced gifts and planted down deep those unique strengths and desires that are Drew's alone.
And He's given him a heart that beats fervently for Him alone---one that is passionate about following after Him with everything He's got.
What a gift---what an absolute privilege---I've been given in getting to be Drew's mom.
Of all I've ever done or will ever do, my greatest joy is loving and investing in Drew and his dad and brothers.
Happy 18th Birthday, my dearest Drew. I celebrate you...I'm proud of you...and I thank God for the indescribable gift He gave me in you. I love you more than you'll ever know. XOXO
Sometimes, I'm simply overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed at my husband's love for me.
Overwhelmed at the way
he sacrifices for me,
gives to me,
lays down his life for me.
He reflects Christ's love in a thousand different ways,
and through him,
I've come to better understand the love my Savior has for me.
They love me so good.
As I've eluded in recent weeks,
this month brought with it a milestone birthday:
40
While there were a few days I was lamenting this coming number,
God had done a work in my heart
and given me joy and perspective.
And as I've said before,
I want to gladly welcome and embrace each year,
knowing it's a gift from Him,
not meant to be despised or squandered.
With that said, my husband had told me to reserve Saturday (the day before my birthday) for him.
I gathered that he had a little something up his sleeve,
but I didn't know what.
Have I mentioned I LOVE surprises?
But despite my husband's best efforts to pull them off in the past, they've always been discovered prematurely.
So needless to say, I suspected nothing when Thursday night brought with it date night.
Life has been hectic and busy lately,
and dinner---just the two of us---sounded exceedingly blissful.
First, he suggested we drive along the lake
(despite the fact it was gray and nightfall was coming).
Then he took me to Starbucks for fall drinks
(despite the fact I was starving and was more than ready to just go eat).
"We're always in such a hurry," he said.
"Let's just take our time and linger."
And so we did.
Heart-connecting conversation and an unhurried pace was just what my heart needed.
But then I was ready to go eat.
As I began walking toward our car,
he grabbed my hand and said,
"Let's go for a walk."
I tried to resist.
"A walk? It's cold out here! And I'm hungry!"
"Just a short one," he insisted.
"Let's just take it all in."
And so we walked.
We hadn't gone far when we ran into dear friends.
Initially, I thought it was coincidence.
But as we momentarily stopped to chat with them,
I looked a bit further down the sidewalk and saw more little huddles making their way toward us.
Every few feet,
we were greeted by friends and loved ones.
From all sides they came:
out from the trees, down the hill,
lining the sidewalk.
I'm certain I would have been a heap on the ground had my husband not been holding me up.
Loved one after loved one came,
and I sobbed like a baby.
All week, I've been replaying the scene in my heart and mind.
There simply aren't words for it.
But that wasn't all.
I made my way into the beautifully autumn-adorned shelter---lovingly decorated by precious friends who know and love me so well---and there, before me, was a sight I'll never forget:
faraway friends who had flown in and driven hours to be part of the celebration:
my heart and soul, friend, Clare, with her beautiful girls;
two of our "girls" from our first youth group in Ohio;
and a dear friend from the Chicago area who has been an "older woman" to me for so many years---
all present to help make this the surprise of the century!
Every detail was picture perfect.
One friend giddily said,
"Can you believe it? It's so you!"
I couldn't agree more--- tables of delicious autumn appetizers and sweets and a gorgeous pumpkin birthday cake with cinnamon frosting.
The warm glow of candles lit each table, and pictures from the distant past and present graced each one.
My husband put together a beautifully moving video of the first 40 years (which included video greetings from friends).
And my Clare assembled a scrapbook of letters from family and friends.
I'm still working my way through it.
Like I said, sometimes I'm just overwhelmed.
It's a week later, and I'm still soaking in and processing all the love in that room.
My husband's heart for me overwhelms me, and he certainly pulled off a surprise like no other.
As I've told many of my friends, my greatest, most treasured gift is being surrounded by all those I love.
I'm awed and humbled that God would give me the absolute joy and pleasure of walking through life with so many amazing people.
My life is much fuller, so much richer because of them, and through them I experience His abundant goodness and grace.
40 is not so very bad.
In fact, I'm quite certain I like it.
Below is a 6-minute video that was taken by our firstborn as the surprise was unfolding outside. It's near the tail end of our walk (what you don't see is the herd of people---160 of them---behind me and inside). The first 3/4ths of the video is dark and difficult to see (but our son gives pretty good commentary if you're willing to hang in there), and then the last bit shows the surprise awaiting me inside the shelter. Enjoy!
It seems like yesterday,
that day you leaped onto the scene.
Yet it was sixteen years ago last night that I stood in the parking lot of our church in Ohio and told our youth group kids that I was going to have a baby that night.
There was no sign that your coming was imminent.
In fact, you weren't due till October 3.
But, perhaps more than mere wishful thinking,
it was a feeling in the depths of my heart.
I was so connected to you.
And somehow, I knew.
Just hours later, as the world lay sleeping,
I woke to the first pangs in the wee hours.
I lingered in the darkness, timing the contractions
before waking your dad,
savoring and relishing the moment.
Everything was about to change.
My world would be rocked by the arrival of this long-awaited, much-loved gift.
Our family was growing from 3 to 4.
In that quiet, holy moment---
just you, me, and God---
I soaked it all in, my son.
For though I didn't yet know who you were, I knew that God was entrusting me with a gift from His heart to mine.
And, oh, I couldn't wait to meet you.
A little after 4am, I awakened your dad with some of life's sweetest words: "I think it's time."
After snuggling with your big brother, Drew,
and dropping him off at the home of friends,
we arrived at the hospital a bit after 4:30am.
Though the nurses apparently thought I was smiling too big to be in active labor, they humored me and checked me out.
But how could I not be smiling when I was about to meet you, little man?
By the time I was changed and settled in,
it was about 5am.
And just as you are now, you wasted no time.
Your punctuality and timeliness bless me to this day.
Just before daybreak, at 6:22am,
you burst upon the scene, sunnyside up.
I'll never forget the doctor's words to your dad:
"He's going to be looking right at you, Dad."
And in that moment,
our lives irrevocably, instantaneously, forever changed.
For you, our "little king," brought with you a gentleness, tenderness, and contentedness all your own.
Even as a baby, you were non-demanding and unassuming.
That characteristic has remained consistent through all of your 16 years, never asking for or expecting things;
never having an air of entitlement.
You're simply content.
And that's made your dad and me want to give you the world.
I love the way you tower above me;
the way you need to bend over to give me a hug.
I love that my effort to teach you to "hug like you mean it" paid off.
I love that our inside jokes and playful banter are a part of everyday life;
that when you say, "Your face,"
and I reply, "What of it?"
your standard reply is "I don't know."
And it makes no sense to anyone but us,
but it's ours alone.
I love that you're trying new things---
things that might initially make you feel a little uncomfortable, like leading a devotional or accidentally getting the lead in the school play.
You're showing yourself a man, Ry;
you're taking leadership and responsibility and learning better how to give of yourself.
I love that even now, as we're entrusting you with your own keys to the car, it's with faith and confidence, knowing you're ready.
Yes, you've got the skills;
yes, you're responsible and competent.
But more than that, I see evidence of Christ working in you all over the place.
And because of that, I rest and rejoice in the knowledge that your heartbeat is to live for Him.
That desire affects the way you interact and drive and make decisions.
And when you blow it and miss the mark,
you've got a relationship with the One who forgives, heals, and restores.
What joy for this mama's heart to know you belong to Him, my son.
And so today I remember that precious little bundle I snuggled so close to my heart;
I remember the backwards finger-sucking, boot-wearing, animal-loving little guy that so quickly became a remarkable young man.
And I stand in awe and celebrate God's custom, precise work of grace in you over these 16 years.
Not only do I love you, my son, I truly like and admire you.
And as we mark this milestone birthday, it is my heart's joy to laugh at the days to come, full of faith and hope.
This same God loves you even more than I do, and I have no doubt He's going to use your unique gifts and wirings to impact many for His Kingdom and make much of Him.
The realization kind of stung.
A couple of weeks ago,
I decided that no matter which way you slice it,
I'm (gulp) middle-aged.
Along with this realization, I've had the following ponderings and observations:
Why does every prescription commercial suddenly seem geared to women over 40?
Why, almost without fail, do I forget an ingredient every time I bake something?
Why is some of life's greatest entertainment spying my husband with his makeshift bifocals (aka wearing two pair of glasses at the same time)?
Why am I wearing dark sunglasses in certain aisles in the health/beauty section?
Why is my lifelong board-flat hair suddenly beginning to curl?
Why do I gladly welcome and embrace that increasing mark of distinction upon my husband's head, but disdain it upon my own?
Traveling "gag" gift from a friend. I take comfort knowing it's joyfully graced the home of so many amazing women who go before me.
30 didn't bother me so much.
This next birthday, well...
I find the need to rein in my wandering thoughts regularly;
to remind myself of truth.
Because the truth is,
though I'm prone to tell myself otherwise,
that some of the richest, most fulfilling days are right here and now.
I'm not the woman I was throughout the early years of our marriage and motherhood.
By God's grace,
I'm not only older,
but hopefully, a little more mature,
a little bit wiser.
I know who I am.
My vision has crystallized.
Our home and our family is my primary ministry.
I don't have to worry about being "out there" doing a thousand things.
I can focus on that to which God has called me---
to run after it and pursue it with all my heart.
Rather than making my life the mirror reflection of someone else,
I can embrace the gifts God has given me.
What joy, security, and rest come from that.
The truth is,
our boys are growing and thriving.
They're learning to pursue and follow after Christ on their own,
desiring to know Him and love Him.
Oh, how I love being their mom!
These boys inspire and challenge me.
Their strengthening wings are preparing for flight,
just as God designed them.
The truth is,
our marriage continues to be transformed by the power of Jesus Christ.
I look back on the early years and wince and smile.
So many ugly growing pains.
But God used those selfish, "me"-first conflicts and arguments to bring us to the end of ourselves.
While I'm still prone to give in to that old selfish sin nature,
we're learning better what it means to give our lives up for the other;
to love, respect, and communicate.
As we close in on 21 years this December,
I can say with absolute certainty that I adore my husband.
He's my best friend and completer,
my hero and soul mate.
And our marriage just keeps getting better and better.
The truth is,
through all the changing years and seasons,
my God has not once abandoned me or left me on my own.
He's faithfully carried and sustained,
filled and equipped.
This same God has been my shelter, my refuge, and my strength through all of my yesterdays.
When I've been unfaithful to Him,
He's never let go of me.
And He's given me an ever-growing,
ever-increasing delight in Him and His Word.
For so many years,
I sought fulfillment and satisfaction in earthly stuff and relationships.
But today, He's put in me a true hunger and thirst for Him.
Only in Him are my heart's deepest needs and longings met.
And so,
while many things are changing,
while hair is turning gray
and bifocals and mammograms are in the vocabulary,
I rejoice in the abundant life God has given me;
the blessings He's rained down,
the joys He's poured out.
For another year on the calendar is yet one more evidence of His grace.
It's a gift I will not squander or wish away.
I will take joy in God my Savior,
smile at all that's yet to come,
and thank Him for His immeasurable gifts.
We've had the absolute joy and privilege of loving this guy for 13 years.
Just look at him.
Look at that light in his eyes.
As I've said before, he could not be more aptly named.
His name, Lucas, means "bringer of light."
That's exactly what he is.
This guy is joyful.
And he just can't keep it to himself.
Joy is meant to be shared, you know.
He's confident and comfortable in his own skin.
He doesn't care at all what people think of him.
This, of course, may mean that he dances his way through the parking lot of the grocery store.
Or, when realizing he has no napkin in the van during our weekly mother-son donut run,
he eats his powder sugar-covered raspberry-filled bismark while hanging out the passenger window of the van, his mouth covered in a powdery white beard and mustache.
He's so much "un"like me.
But, I've learned that's good.
Because when I'm with Luke,
I know I'm going to be stretched out of my comfort zone.
I know I'm going to smile a whole lot and
laugh deeply and break into some crazy rendition of a song.
And when we're done,
look at each other awkwardly and declare,
"We be fun!"
This child of mine, my third-born son,
is the epitome of "people person."
Coupled with his seemingly effortless comedy,
he's one of those rare individuals
who has an uncanny ability to put people of all ages at ease.
He's just as apt to be engrossed in a conversation with an adult as with a fellow buddy.
He loves deeply and truly cares for the people around him.
But on top of that,
he thinks deeply about big stuff.
Real stuff.
For while he talks---a lot---
he also takes in a lot.
He really hears.
And the truths that have been planted in his heart since birth
have begun to take root and grow.
It's more than just head knowledge--- the Bringer of Light is conforming his heart to His
and transforming his mind.
Luke is growing in his desire to walk in obedience to Jesus;
to live in submission to His Word.
He's learning to love Him and know Him and want Him.
Love for people,
love for God,
all rolled up into this beautiful package we're blessed to call "son."
On this, his 13th birthday,
I'm filled with joy and thankfulness,
eager expectation and hope,
and faith and trust that our Father God is faithful
and is able to keep and guard that which I've entrusted to Him.
He is going to complete the work He began in Luke,
and as his mom, I'm over-the-top blessed to watch the continuing story unfold.
We love you with all our hearts, Lucas Jon. Happy 13th Birthday! XOXO
Once upon a time, God created this little guy with a ready smile and a sparkle in his eye.
He had the uncanny ability to love people and leave a wake of joy wherever he went.
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to him, a little girl out there was twirling around
in pretty dresses, playing house, and dreaming dreams.
Years passed.
The little boy and little girl grew up
(at least a little).
They developed interests and gifts and passions.
They began pursuing a close walk with the One who had made them,
desiring Him to have His way in them.
And eventually, He brought them together.
He built something between them.
It was love. Deep and powerful and strong.
It would be the means by which He showed them
more about who He is and what He is like.
It would be the way He taught them to
give and sacrifice and forgive---
and do it all over again the next day.
God used the guy to change the girl's life.
For the better.
Forever.
And the girl is overwhelmed that the dreams of her childhood---
every single one of them---
have been fulfilled and exceeded through the wonderful grace of Jesus.
He gave her this guy.
I spy him from across the room,
this tall drink of water
with the strong jaw line,
the ready smile,
the bright blue eyes.
He's capable,
engaging,
talented;
positive,
loyal,
respectful.
He quietly serves,
humbly leads.
It's evident he loves Jesus.
Somehow, this amazing man before me is my son. My son.
My little boy grown up.
For so many years,
I'd believed it was me teaching and shaping and discipling his heart;
training, directing, and redirecting.
While that is the task God entrusted to me,
I'm realizing that He has used this man before me to mold me, too.
He's used the varying seasons and stages,
the new experiences and changes
to teach and shape and disciple my heart;
to train, direct, and redirect it to look like His.
I marvel at the mystery and the beauty of it all.
And I'm over-the-top thankful that God has given me
the glad pleasure of carrying this baby boy beneath my heart,
doing the stuff of life with him these 17 years,
and basking together in His outpouring of grace
as we both grow up.
Happy 17th Birthday, Drew. Words don't begin to sum up our love for you. We love you so...XOXO
We're in the midst of our full month of birthday festivities!
Three of the five of us have birthdays in a month's time which equates to a whole lotta fun and celebration.
Add to that fall, my most favorite time of year, and we've got an all-out party on our hands!
I'm learning not to take these moments for granted.
With two sons in high school and the blocks on our family calendar getting fuller by the day, I'm learning to enjoy the here and now.
I'm not lamenting the passing of yesterday.
I'm not dreading the arrival of tomorrow
(ok, so I'm still working on that one).
I'm seeking, prayerfully, to invest the here and now.
Each day, each moment,
is a gift from my all-wise, loving God.
And I'm grateful.
Here are a few recent moments I'm treasuring in my heart:
"That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth..." Psalm 144:12
So much of what takes place in the early years of training young children is unseen. That young seedling is planted, tended to, nourished, and fed. Visible growth or change isn't always readily seen. But beneath the surface, a miracle is taking place. The root system is being developed, going down deep. It's taking in and being fed by the Truth of God's Word, bringing life and new growth. That tiny seedling starts stretching upward toward the sun, a symbol of strength; a reminder of God's grace and faithfulness.
The word that continually comes to mind as I consider our son, Ryan, is "flourishing." I've repeatedly tried to think of a more manly word to describe what I see in him these recent months, but that's the one that seems to best capsulize our Ryan as he reaches 15 years of age. He's flourishing. Like a tree. And my heart is so full.
Our once tender seedling has become a mighty oak.
Rich in character.
Firm in conviction.
Steady in mind.
Strong in heart.
God is using him to love and impact his world. He's using him to bring joy and laughter to the hearts of those who don't know they need it. He's expanding and challenging his heart. He's giving him new interests, new talents, new friends, and new experiences. And through it all, Ryan is developing his own hunger and passion for the Word of God.
Our Ryan. Our son. Our plant grown up.
A man whom I love and respect.
And my heart rejoices in God's strong work within him.
Longing to develop a heart that beats passionately for Jesus Christ; yearning to radiate with the joy that comes from knowing Him; desiring to be known as a woman of faith and excellence. I'm living my dream with my incredible husband and our three handsome sons.
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