To be perfectly honest, my heart is feeling kinda fragile right now. I'm missing friends and painfully anticipating the leaving of yet more friends I love. Our oldest son just completed his final "behind the wheel" appointment this morning and is slated to take his road test next week. I think I should be nothing but happy. But with that responsibility will come newfound freedom and yet more change. Our middle son is completing his final two months of homeschool. Again, it's reason to celebrate a momentous milestone. But I will miss him, as we're praying that God will provide the way for him to attend the same high school as his older brother. Our youngest son is completing many, many "lasts" as a sixth grader before moving on to Jr. High. Childhood is in our rearview mirror.
As I hit the stores this afternoon, I was wrestling and praying through all these emotions and fears: fear of change, fear of the unknown. I wandered into the baby department where I needed to pick up a gift for a soon-to-be-born nephew. It wasn't till I began circling the racks that unexpected sadness welled up in my heart. I realized this was the first time I'd shopped for a baby gift since having my hysterectomy in November, and once again, my heart cried out one thousand questions. Sometimes it hits out nowhere, and I felt the loss of what never will again be.
As I arrived home, I received a joyful text from one of our former students---one who is like a son to my husband and me. I'd known that this was the weekend he was preparing to propose to his girlfriend, and he texted me to share the wonderful news: they're engaged! I'm so happy for them, but once again, change.
Have you heard me say I'm not real big on change? Not a fan. No, not one bit.
The emotions rose up in my soul and threatened to overtake me. And I embraced them. As I walked into the house and my husband greeted me, I fell into his arms. I asked him why everything had to change. Wise man that he is, instead of answering that, he just held me and let me cry.
I sometimes feel like my faith is so small; like it's so very weak. I want to trust my Father...I want to confidently cast myself and the ones I love upon His mercy and grace...I want to believe and know that He is in control (and He doesn't need my help, thank you very much).
I've long identified with the father in Mark 9. His son had an unclean spirit and he asked Jesus' disciples to cast it out, but they could not. When the father brought the boy to Jesus and he said, "...if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." Jesus said to them, "'If you can!' All things are possible for the one who believes." Immediately the father of the boy cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" I'm so thankful that God knew the tension of heart I'd face; that He included this man's struggle and longing in His Word. It's water and hope to my soul.
As we parent and enter increasingly new territory with these three remarkable young men...as the changes mount up almost daily...as I learn to trust and let go and watch with joyful expectancy...my heart's cry is "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"
***if you wish to view the video, please pause the music at the bottom of the page first.
4 comments:
Wow! You have much change, friend! I appreciate so much your honesty as well as the way you are looking to our great God for comfort. I will be praying for the weeks that follow!
This paragraph really stood out to me: "The emotions rose up in my soul and threatened to overtake me. And I embraced them. As I walked into the house and my husband greeted me, I fell into his arms. I asked him why everything had to change. Wise man that he is, instead of answering that, he just held me and let me cry."
Oh, Nikki, you are so wise. When emotions rise up, to embrace them....to accept them for what they are and embrace them. And oh, yes, very wise man that hubby of yours is.....sometimes all we need is a hug and to be allowed to just cry. Praying for you, girl, and that you continue to feel Christ hugging on you as you face all these changes.
HUGS from me too:)
Oh girlfriend, I almost called you this afternoon after I was sucked under by a similar wave. Somehow I knew you'd understand.
By His Grace, the same verse has been in my head lately.
He is good, and He is at work.
(((hugs)))
Being transparent is risky. Some are transparent, but what others see does not bring glory to God. When you are transparent, you reflect God's love and grace, and it makes me want to praise Him with all that is in me!
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