[submit]

It was a couple of months ago that I got in on a Shutterfly freebie.  It was a free 8X8 photo book---the catch was that the coupon code needed to be used by August 30.  This was perfect, as I want to have numerous photo albums printed for our son's graduation party next year, and this was an easy, inexpensive way to do it.
But once I got the code,
I stalled.
I dabbled in it,
but then backed away.
The code came and went.
I didn't complete my project and
I didn't get a book.

We received all of our son's proofs from his senior photo shoot.  Let me rephrase that:  we got the top 75---
the best of the best of the best---out of the 400 gazillion taken.  How does one begin to choose a select few photos from the best?  Finally, my husband, our son, and I all sat down together and came up with a game plan.  We selected our faves, along with the sizes, and then it was up to me to order them.  Easy enough, right?
Again, I stalled.
Our son would politely ask each day,
"Did you order 'em yet?
'Cause I could do it if you want me to."
And shamefully, I assured him I'd get to it---
the next day.

For years I've been planning a special project for our son's senior year.  My husband is on board with it---I just needed to place an order to make it a reality.
But once again,
I stalled.
It wasn't difficult or time-consuming.
I simply couldn't bring myself to click that 'submit' button.

And suddenly it dawned on me.
It's not that I'm completely irresponsible or unreliable.
Generally speaking,
I like to think I'm somewhat on top of things.  :)
But in each of the above scenarios,
clicking that 'submit' button was more than just placing an order;
it was coming to grips with and acknowledging the reality of our current season of parenting.
It was, in essence, submitting myself to my good, loving Father.

Submit

As the stark reality hit me yesterday,
I was confronted by my obvious bucking and resisting;
my still-present tendency to control.

The truth is,
God has been asking me to submit to Him---
to give Him everything---
for years.
And the harsh reality is,
I've been afraid of what that means;
what that looks like.
But now, with this son of my heart before me,
the visual is stronger than ever before.
Again my Father is asking me to give Him everything;
to trust Him completely.
And so often I'm struggling and wiggling and conniving to find a way out.

But as my merciful heavenly Father,
He calls me to obedience.
He continues to prod,
continues to beckon,
continues to call me to Himself.
"I want it," He whispers.
"I want you.
Not just part of you---
all of you.
Give up, stop fighting,
and let Me have My way in you, Nik.
I have your ultimate good in mind."

As always, He's using the pain and the change and the unknowns of everyday life to show me how desperately I need Him;
to rid me of my self-declared dependence and self-reliance.
Empty and broken and needy,
I find myself exactly where He wants me to be:
bowing before His sovereignty and
desiring Him more than anything.
Oh, that I may I live with a heart filled with faith and hope,
trusting His holy, eternal purposes---
and yes---submitting to His perfect will.

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship." Romans 12:1