{draw near}

I tried.
Over and over again throughout the past year,
I've sat down at this computer screen as I've done so many times before and stared blankly at my reflection.
There was so much going on in my heart;
so much God was revealing and teaching me.
I wanted to share it.
And yet the words didn't come.
Over and over again I sensed God gently putting a finger to my mouth and shushing me,
urging me to quietly ponder and reflect on the truths He was impressing on my heart,
rather than processing them "out there" in blog world.
Though I'm so entirely grateful for and blessed by blogging,
I've realized that one of the dangers---for me, at least---
is blogging for the feedback, the reaction, the affirmation.
And throughout a seemingly endless season---a tough season---of change and transition,
I believe with all my heart that God was calling me to look and listen to Him alone;
to hush...be still...and know that He is God.

I used to think that change and transition were a rare occasion---
an occasional bump on the otherwise smooth and uneventful road map of life.
But I'm learning that I was entirely wrong.
For all---and I mean all---of life is one change, one transition or another.
I do myself well to not be surprised or taken off guard by this.

Our firstborn came home for his first visit from college this weekend.
It had been 8 1/2 long weeks!
It was pure bliss to have him here.
I wondered what a visit would look like:
would he seamlessly re-enter our home or would there be an awkward adjustment period?
My fears were put to rest when,
after hugging me long and tight,
he strolled over to the fridge to see what was inside.  :)
Last night, as I hugged him goodbye once again, a deep ache welled up in my soul as I realized that this is life as we know it for the foreseeable future---and really, for the rest of our lives.

Change.  Transition.  Goodbyes.
Repeat.

How quickly I'm prone to feel sorry for myself;
how readily I forget God's faithfulness yesterday and worry about today;
how deeply I struggle to hold my loved ones with an open hand and a surrendered heart.

But in this latest chapter of "newness,"
God has led me to this precious, hope-filled passage.
I view it as a loving but bold kick in the pants.
When my thoughts are swirling and my heart is aching and I'm grasping for the control I thought I had...

Nikki, Submit yourself therefore to God.
Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.
Cleanse your hands, you sinner, and purify your heart, you double-minded.
Be wretched and mourn and weep.
Let your laughter be turned to mourning
and your joy to gloom.
Humble yourself before the Lord,
and He will exalt you.
James 4:7-10

There's such hope and promise in this passage!
These aren't flowery, feel-good words.
These aren't "if-you-feel-like-it" suggestions or recommendations.
They're imperative statements from God's heart to mine.
And to me He says that rather than bombarding myself with an array of ever-changing messages based upon my up-and-down emotions, I must submit it all---my thoughts, my fears, my longings, my life---to Him, my never-changing, faithful God.  I must stand firm against and resist Satan's lies and attacks.  And I must draw near, come close to Him.

I marvel at the beauty here:
Satan flees, God comes near.

For so many years, I believed that surrender is a one-time "I-did-it-so-I-can-check-it-off-my-list" idea.
*buzzer sound* Thank you, for playing.
No.  So wrong.
Surrender is a day-by-day,
hour-by-hour,
moment-by-moment bending of the knee:
And as God continues to teach me,
to purify me,
to shape and conform my heart to His,
I'm learning to delight in His nearness,
to bask in His presence.
For in change-saturated days,
it's in His presence that my fears are vanquished,
my soul finds rest,
and my life finds meaning and satisfaction.