I'm Ready

As most of my regular readers know, our oldest son enrolled in a local public high school this year after being homeschooled from kindergarten through eighth grade. The changes, adjustments, and transitions have been many...for all of us. But it's been good. Really. To see the ways he's grown, embraced his faith as his own, and worked through difficult situations has caused me to break forth in exclamations of thanks to God. And the transition God has led me through in learning to trust, release my grip and control-freak tendencies, and truly accept that my "baby" is no longer a baby, but a remarkable young man, has been needed and necessary. While there have been many days I've been crying out to God in fear, exasperation, and frustration, He has faithfully, patiently walked beside me and taught me such valuable lessons.

About a month ago, I picked up our son from school one afternoon. As we drove home, he informed me there had been a gang-related fight in school that day and one victim ended up in the hospital. I inhaled deeply. This was new territory, for sure. I picked him up from school the following day and drove him over to church where he was slated to play on the worship team for the weekend's missions conference. As we pulled into the church parking lot, he nonchalantly mentioned, "Yeah, rumor has it there's going to be a shooting on Monday in retaliation for yesterday's fight." And then getting out of the van with a smile on his face, yelled, "Bye, Mom!"

And there I sat. Thoughts swirling. Tears forming. My mind a blur of questions and doubts and fears.

Following Missions Conference that night, he and I drove home alone. And I posed the question to him: "So how do you feel about going to school on Monday morning? Are you afraid?" I'll never forget what he said.

"Nah. Whatever's going to happen is going to happen. I'm ready."

I'm ready. The words rang in my ears. On one hand, my heart was soaring. He knew he was in right relationship with his Savior. He knew that his sins had been forgiven and that absence from this body meant presence with Him. He was secure in that. But on the other hand, my heart was in anguish. I'm not ready, God!

Throughout that weekend, we prayed. We asked questions. We talked to parents of other students at our son's school, teachers included. Should we send him on Monday morning? I knew we couldn't live in fear. But what's the balance between that and simply being wise? Ultimately, we decided to send him. I was thankful I had sufficient time to pray and cry and work it through before Monday morning arrived. Because by the time he and my husband were about to walk out the door that morning, God had prepared me. I didn't cry. I held him long and tight, told him I loved him and I'd be praying for him. And then they were gone. We'd received a text from one of our high school girls that morning, telling us that she was attending school that morning and asking us to pray that God would give the believers a boldness in sharing their faith that day. And that we did.

Thankfully, the threat turned out to be just a rumor. But God used that weekend. That Monday. Our son. He used all of it to shake me. To wake me up. So often my eyes on firmly fixed on the here and now. My comfort and my security. I live in fear of anything shaking or altering my white picket-fenced little life. All too often I live like this is my permanent dwelling place, forgetting that this world is not my home. Our citizenship is in heaven---the place we were made for. Our son reminded me of this truth that day. When we know Jesus, we're safe. We're secure in His grip, because nothing and no one can pluck us out of His hand.

This is the song that God used to minister to me throughout that difficult weekend. And this is the son. How I thank God for the ways He uses this son...and each of my boys...to challenge me, grow me, and point my eyes to Him.



You Never Let Go by Matt & Beth Redman
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You