Blessings, Trials, and God's Grace

What an overwhelming joy it was when I gave birth to our firstborn son 11 years ago. Parenthood has been described as your heart living outside your body, and I found that to be true. What depth of love and emotion!

Just 23 months later, God blessed us with another precious gift, and our second son was born. Oh, how glad my heart was that our boys had each other...that they had playmates and "best friends" in one another!

Then, 2 ½ years later, we once again received a gift from God’s heart to ours...the addition of our third little wonder. Our hearts were so full...so overcome with praise and thanksgiving for God’s undeserved blessings!

Two years after the birth of our youngest, we began dreaming of adding one more member to our family. We excitedly began praying and planning for this next child, fully believing that we’d soon be expecting. But month after month came and went; those months turned into years...and our hearts ached with a pain we’d never known.

Consultations with the doctor were encouraging. He assured us that our attempts at pregnancy had really not been that long...we shouldn’t give up hope. He placed me on some mild fertility drugs for a brief time. After 2 years of secondary infertility, I had an hsg test that lifted our spirits. Although there was initial blockage, it broke away when the doctor inserted the dye for the test. Our hearts rejoiced at this news!

One year later, under the care of my former and well-respected physician, I underwent a laparoscopy. Once again, the findings gave us reason to hope! The doctor had detected and removed a good amount of endometriosis, but he was confident that I’d get pregnant within a few months. Our hearts soared at the possibilities!

So what was my heart like throughout the "ups" and "downs" of those years? The pages of my journal are filled with tear-stained pages, feelings of desperation, and heartfelt prayers. They’re filled with praise and contentment. They’re filled with anger and bitterness. They’re filled with more praise and thanksgiving. They’re filled with pleadings and longings and cries, "Oh, God, have you forgotten me forever?" They’re filled with peace and contentment. I so desperately longed to know what God was trying to teach me through the trial of our infertility.

Just over one year ago, I had the laparoscopy which seemed to be the answer for which we’d been searching. We had every reason to hope and rejoice as we received that encouraging report from my doctor. The problem had been corrected...I’d be pregnant in no time! We’d been praying for a miracle, and this seemed to be it!

And you know what? A miracle did occur! No, not in the form we’d anticipated, but in a far more surprising way. The miracle occurred in my heart. One year ago now (and for 3 years prior to that), we were praying for another baby. We were praying for our joy and satisfaction and contentment to be found in God. We were praying for His perfect will and timing. And as we continued to go to our Father God in prayer, bringing our hearts’ cries to Him, laying it all at His feet, He replaced our yearnings with a true satisfaction and joy and contentment in Him.

Oh, how often I cried out that God’s dealings with me were "unfair" during those years of infertility. I’d questioned His purpose and reasons for making us unable to have another baby. Yet one day He spoke to me so clearly it was almost audible. I was reading through a portion of Job, and my breath caught in my throat as I read the following words:

"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding." Job 38:4

God proceeds to declare His awesome might and contrast the smallness of Job. Finally, Job is silenced (as was I), confessing:

"Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer You? I lay my hand on my mouth. I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further." Job 40:4-5

In repentance, Job replied to God:

"I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eyes sees You." Job 42:2,5

My God is sovereign...righteous...good. His plans are so much higher than my own. NO plan of His can be hindered or thwarted. Those months of pain were intended to press me into Him so that I’d become more like Him. It was time that all the lessons of faith I’d learned over the years became mine. It was time to put all that I’d heard deep into my heart and live it. I’d heard of God’s loving faithfulness, but now I’ve seen it...I’ve experienced it.

God has given me the opportunity to meet and talk with a lot of women who are going through the same kind of struggles with infertility. I identify with their feelings of helplessness, bitterness, and anger. But I pray that in sharing how God has worked in our lives, they'll be given hope and encouragement. It's not a quick-fix. There's lots of emotions and struggles to work and pray through. But my message is this: God is good. He's faithful. He can be trusted.

Praise God for His love and grace!