Change

I've hit a wall in my blogging over the past few weeks. It's not a big deal, really. I don't put pressure on myself to write something just for the sake of writing something. I generally wait till God impresses something on my heart or gives me some little bit of inspiration that I feel He wants me to share with you. And besides, these weeks haven't exactly been filled with much free time. The start of school and youth group, my father-in-law's triple bypass surgery, our boys' new activities, and numerous ministry needs have quickly filled our fall schedule. Still, I've been concerned, at least the past couple days, that I had nothing new to share with those who may stop by here. "What do you want me to share, Father?" And then today He answered.

I kinda wish I hadn't asked.

We're midway through our third week of school. My two younger boys, a 7th grader and a 5th grader, are still here at home with me where we're off to a great year of homeschooling. My oldest son, a new high school freshman, is flourishing in his first year in the public high school. I wrote a lot about this coming transition as it approached. But I haven't given any updates.

I wish I could tell you that I've transitioned smoothly and without incident. I wish I could tell you that I've been a picture of grace; that with my faith and trust firmly fixed in Jesus Christ, I released our son in complete confidence and assurance.

I wish I could tell you that. But I can't.

Have I mentioned I'm not real keen on change? Real life friends, stop laughing! :) It's just that this whole transition has been hard. Really hard. And while I see schedules, traditions, routines, and friends changing, my response is to cling to the old ways; to control the uncontrollable with my sinful attitudes and responses. It's not been pretty...and neither have I.

I've said many times that I believe homeschooling...and in a larger sense, parenting...is as much about what God desires to do in us as parents as it is about training and nurturing our children. And yet again, I'm finding that to be true. Because over these past weeks, God has illuminated a lot of flaws...a lot of sins...in my heart. He's shown me that I'm a total control freak. He's shown me that I still have a long way to go when it comes to trusting Him and entrusting the ones I love to His care. He's shown me that nagging accomplishes nothing.

Oh, I knew this year would be groundbreaking for our firstborn as he enters a new world and learns how to live out his faith even when it's unpopular. But I had no idea how revolutionary this year would be for his mom, as well. Because as a self-proclaimed change-resister, God is using this new season to show me my need for a real, genuine attitude adjustment and heart change. And right now it doesn't feel too good. It's uncomfortable. It's unfamiliar. And while I'm being honest, I'll say it feels downright miserable.

And yet, even amidst the pain, the pruning, and the sometimes-unbearable-stretching, I'm confident that God is using all this newness to make me more like Him. It's a tool He's using to conform my will to His. And it's a means He's using to capture my whole heart...not just the leftovers I so often present Him.

So no, the ride hasn't been without ruts and bumps. I haven't been real proud of my attitudes. But I'm not without hope. In fact, I may be more hopeful than ever before! I'm fully confident that my Father God has me right where He wants me. I'm laid out on the operating table, my heart open and accessible to Him. And though I struggle with change, this is the kind of change I want; the kind of real change I need.

Change me, Father, and make me a pure reflection of You...

"And we, who with unveiled faces

all reflect the Lord's glory,

are being transformed into His likeness

with ever-increasing glory,

which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

2 Corinthians 3:18