{on our firstborn's 18th birthday}

November 3, 1994.

It was a somewhat routine day, yet filled with so much promise and hope. Jon and I went to my weekly doctor appointment that morning. Our baby---our first baby---wasn't due for another week, and my doctor's words to me before parting his office that day were, "Go ahead and schedule next week's appointment.  I'll see you then."

My husband and I went to lunch.
Life was good.
We excitedly spoke of our coming baby's arrival;
our dreams and hopes and plans.
And there, seated 'round a booth over gourmet sandwiches,
I experienced my first twinge of pain.
I believe it was 12:10pm.
My heart lurched.
Could it be?
Ten minutes later,
the same thing.

We went home,
systematically timing my contractions.
I vacuumed.
And packed.
I picked up my worn copy of "What To Expect When You're Expecting" for a little last minute cramming.
Jon and I looked at each other with alternating expressions of excitement and doubt and giddiness and fear.

Finally, when my contractions increased to every 4 minutes,
we agreed it was time to go to the hospital.
It was 6:30pm.

And from there on out,
it was game on.
Just two hours later, at 8:35pm,
our perfect little miracle entered our lives.
And I was forever changed.

How does one describe the love for this one so small;
this one covered in God's fingerprints?
Oh, it was love at first sight.
My baby...my son...my firstborn.
I was head over heels in love.

18 years later.
18 is such a culmination, it seems.
I didn't expect my heart to feel quite so tender.
As I've been working on this blog entry over the past week,
I've regularly had to stop and gather myself.
The tears have come readily and frequently.

I reflect on the pictures and the moments and the years.
One night this week, God unexpectedly provided quiet moments with my Drew.
While everyone else in the family was otherwise engaged,
the two of us sat together in the quiet.
I asked him if he wanted to watch his baby dvd.
He consented.
And I lived it all over again.
It was fresh and new and raw.
The newborn cry following delivery brought out my own tears.
Wasn't this just yesterday?

And yet here he stands before me:
this man...my firstborn;
the one who made me a mama.
I came to him inexperienced, a novice.
He broke me in and bravely paved the way for his younger brothers.
Over the years, I've gone to him again and again,
apologizing and asking forgiveness.
I've explained to him I've never done this mama thing before---that I don't always know what I'm doing;
that he and I are both so much in need of God's mercy.
He's at work in both of us.

This son of my heart:
we've always been close.
He's like me in so many ways.
I get him.
And though I doubt the fact sometimes,
the truth is, he gets me.
Really.

But as much as we're alike,
we're different, too.
For nothing, and I mean nothing,
rattles him.
He's cool and calm and collected.
He refuses to stress.
I recall his freshman year and the rumor of a school shooting.
When my heart was a jumbled mess of fear,
he calmly and steadily declared,
"Whatever is gonna happen is gonna happen.  I'm ready."
Because his heart is firmly grounded and rooted in Jesus Christ, he exudes an inner peace and security no matter the circumstance.
He places his burdens on Christ and leaves them there.
As one who is prone to control and fear and do, his steadiness and consistency of heart overwhelm and inspire me.

It goes without saying that I love my Drew.
But not only do I love him, I really, really like him.
I respect him.
I marvel at him.
For he is my miracle in the flesh.
I've watched in awe these last 18 years as
God has taken that tiny baby I cradled in my arms---
that baby He entrusted to me for a moment in time.
He lovingly molded and shaped him.
He developed in him character and a hunger for truth.
He produced gifts and planted down deep those unique strengths and desires that are Drew's alone.
And He's given him a heart that beats fervently for Him alone---one that is passionate about following after Him with everything He's got.
What a gift---what an absolute privilege---I've been given in getting to be Drew's mom.
Of all I've ever done or will ever do, my greatest joy is loving and investing in Drew and his dad and brothers.

Happy 18th Birthday, my dearest Drew.
I celebrate you...I'm proud of you...and I thank God for the indescribable gift He gave me in you.
I love you more than you'll ever know.  XOXO