{invested}

March 13:

This afternoon I did something I've not done in more than 20 years.

I filled out a job application.

It's hard to put into words the depth of feeling and emotion that filled my heart upon doing so.  I frequently had to pause as the tears were clouding my vision.  At one desperate moment, I even called Jon and cried, "I don't know how to do this!"  Most recent employment?  1994.  Skills?  Gifts?  Education?  I don't have a formal degree.  I don't have an impressive resume.  I've simply been loving and pouring into these guys God has entrusted to me.  And Jon reminds me that that's exactly what's needed; that He's going to somehow use the passions and gifts He's stirred up in me over these years and use them in some crazy way.  I want to believe him.  

I can still feel the angst in my heart that cold winter afternoon.  Applying for a job was not only scary, but emotionally strenuous, as it indicated the end of a season (in case I'd forgotten based upon all the other season-ending reminders).  *grin*

Sometimes I genuinely believe that God looks down upon my disbelief and just chuckles.  "Oh, my child," He whispers.  "Don't you know I've got this?  You spend so much energy worrying and fretting, all the while forgetting I have your ultimate good in mind.  Just watch what I'm going to do..."

About 12 or 13 years ago, my girlfriends and I began meeting for weekly Bible study.  We were all at similar stages in life, and we wanted nothing more than for God to captivate our hearts in such a way that our families would receive the overflow.  As we read "A Woman After God's Own Heart" by Elizabeth George, we were encouraged to develop 5 fat files.  These 5 fat files were to be a purposeful means through which we grew in specific areas God had placed on our hearts.  The idea was to develop a fat file for each of five topics, and then commit ourselves to filling those files.  For example, topics might include counseling, hospitality, teaching, Bible study, parenting, organization---any area we were interested in growing.  Anytime we came across an article or newsclipping or picture about that topic, we put it in our file.  In fact, Pinterest might be the modern day version of this!  The point was that over time, we’d become well-versed, better trained, and further prepped in these particular areas.  We all had young children.  We all sometimes thought we’d always have young children.  Yet as we nurtured and poured into them, we continued to pursue knowledge and grow in our personal walks with Christ.  We intentionally sought to grow in areas He’d imprinted on our hearts. Among mine were marriage * motherhood * hospitality.

I didn't think much about it till a few months ago.  Yes, I’d been intentional in various areas over the years.  I’d dug in and researched and developed passions.  And all these years later, it’s these exact topics that continue to fill me and excite me---those that God has wired me to do.

And you want to know what else He did?  I'm still marveling....still can't believe it.

After filling out the initial application and interviewing for an office position at our church (something I did pre-kids; something I could do, have done, but wasn't passionate about), I heard words I wasn't prepared to hear:  our church had long discussed the need to hire a hospitality coordinator, and the time had now come.  Would I apply for that position?

What?  Really?  My love for people, my heart to make them feel welcome, my passion to create an environment where it's impossible not to reflect on God's grace, my all-out love of cooking and catering, planning and organizing events, and decorating?  Could it be any more perfect? Any more of God?

God has used and invested these past 19 years in deep, rich, life-giving ways.  It's a reminder, mamas, that as we're obedient in the seemingly small, sometimes mundane, tasks of day-to-day life; giving up our lives for the little ones in our care; nurturing and pouring into the ones so graciously entrusted to us, God is changing and teaching us, as well.  Our boys have taught me endless lessons---what it is to love unconditionally, forgive with abandon, and embrace each and every season as a gift, to name a few. And if all that weren't enough, among the seemingly ordinary ebb and flow, God has been richly, abundantly, surprisingly preparing me for the next season:  instilling gifts, stirring up passions, and priming me for fruitful ministry.

I wipe away tears as I consider it.
How loving.
How perfect.
How God.

P.S. I was offered the job and I begin July 1.